Monday, May 21, 2012

Emotional let-down

I want this blog to be a true account of my experiences, it may not always be positive and I hope that is ok.  Right now I need to let it all out.  Tomorrow my husband was suppose to have his surgery.  We just received a call from the transplant team that another patient is getting a transplant and my husband's catheter surgery has been canceled.  We didn't even know there was a chance of it being canceled.

I'm thrilled that someone is getting a transplant.  I'm praying everything goes beautifully for them tomorrow.

My heart, however is crying for us.  Hubby feels horrible.  His creatinine is at 7.2.  Most days he barely eats and some days he is barely able to move.  I don't know when they will be able to reschedule, because this doctor only does surgeries on Tuesdays, so that really limits when it can be rescheduled.  He also only does 3 each Tuesday, so if there are already 3 scheduled for next Tuesday, he won't be able to get an appointment.  I do have a call into the nurse to find out when we can reschedule this surgery.

Tears are streaming down my face and I feel physically sick.  I didn't want my husband to have to go through surgery, but I knew this surgery would lead to him feeling better and now he has to wait.

This also has a great financial effect on us.  For people who think disability benefits are great, let me tell you they aren't.  It isn't even enough to pay for our home.  We are currently selling anything we can in order to try and make some money.  Our hope was that a month after hubby started dialysis (which would have started about 3 weeks after his surgery), he would have felt good enough to return to work.  Pushing the surgery back a week or two or three, really hurts us because it will be that much longer before he can return to work.  I work, but we were surviving on both our incomes and with him being sick I have missed some work.  With the summer upon us I have also lost my income as a teacher.

The only thing that is keeping me going is the faith that God will provide.  God is in control and He will guide us.

The tears will probably continue until I have a new appointment for him because I'm human, but we will be ok because God is always there.

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